5 Funny Dog Jokes

Have a giggle with some funny dog jokes.

#1. Show Me The Way

In the town one day there were two friends, one with a Great Dane dog and the other with a Chihuahua dog.

The guy with the Great Dane said to his friend,”Let’s go in that restaurant for a bite to eat.”

The guy with the Chihuahua said, “How can we do that, we have our dogs with us?”

The guy with the Great Dane said, “Don’t worry about that, just follow and do what I do.”

Putting on a pair of dark glasses, the guy with the Great Dane went into the restaurant, where upon the man at the door barred his way, telling him that no pets were allowed.

“But this is my guide dog”, the Great Dane owner said.

“What…a Great Dane?”

“Yes, they are using them now, they are very good at the job”

So the man at the door said, “OK, come on in then.”

Encouraged by what he saw, the Chihuahua owner donned a pair of dark glasses and proceeded to the restaurant door.

The man at the door said, “Sorry mate, no pets allowed.”

The Chihuahua owner said, “But this is my guide dog!”

“What…don’t give me that, a Chihuahua?” enquired the man at the door.

The Chihuahua owner said, “You mean…they gave me a Chihuahua?!!”

boxer-lounging-in-chair#2. Talking Dog For Sale

One day a man was driving along a dirt track in the country in the middle of nowhere, and came across a run-down shack. Outside the hovel was a for sale board, with the words, ‘Talking Dog For Sale’ written on it.

After knocking on the door and enquiring, the owner tells him that the dog is round the back.

The man steps into the back garden, and seeing a handsome looking Boxer sitting there, he asks, “Is it true that you talk?” The Boxer replied,”Yep”.

After recovering from the surprise of hearing the Boxer talk, the man asked him about his story.

Wearily looking up, the Boxer said, “Well, I’ve been able to talk from a young age and thought that I could put it to good use by helping the country. So I joined the army and became a secret agent.

Soon, they had me going all over the world, sitting in on meetings with world leaders and the like, where no one suspected that I would be spying. I was one of their most valuable agents for almost six years. However, the jetting around became too much for me and I’ve retired from that now, although I do still do some security work at the local airport.”

After hearing the Boxer’s story the man was amazed and knew that he would like to buy the dog. Going back to the owner, the man asked how much he wanted for the dog.

“Ten pounds,” said the man.

“What! Only ten pounds, the dog is incredible, why so cheap?”

“Because he’s a born liar, you can’t believe any thing he says, he never did do any of that stuff he told you…he was in the Navy for a start!”

#3. Cross-Eyed Dog

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, ” Can you help doctor, my dog is cross-eyed, is there anything that you can do for him ?”

The vet says, picking the dog up, examining his eyes as he does so, “Well, we’ll see, let’s have a look at him.”

After a bit, the vet said, “I’m sorry, I’m afraid that I’m going to have to put him down.”
“No!, you can’t do that, just because he is cross-eyed?”
“No”, said the vet,” because he is extremely heavy, that’s why”.

#4. Softly, Softly Catchee Monkeydachshund-big-flappy-ears

A rich man took along his pet dachshund Billy, on a safari holiday to Africa. One day while on a trip out into the forest, Billy started having fun chasing butterflies. Before long he was completely lost.

Suddenly he noticed a leopard heading his way with the visible intent on eating him for dinner.

Billy thought, “Boy, am I in deep water now!”

Quickly his attention is drawn to some bones laying nearby, and with his back to the cat, he proceeds to chew on them. Just as the leopard is about to leap upon him, Billy yells loudly,”Wow! That was one tasty leopard, I’ll look around to see if there are any others in this forest.”

On hearing this, the cat is bought briskly to a halt. Petrified, he retreats whispering, ” That was a near thing, that dachshund nearly had me then.”

In the meantime, a monkey was in the trees observing the scene, and believing that he can use what he’s just seen to get protection from the leopard, he trots off to confront him.

But unaware to the monkey, Billy saw him scurry off after the leopard and felt that there must be something afoot.

Catching up with the leopard, the monkey spills the beans and strikes a deal with the cat for himself. Enraged at being made an idiot of, the leopard says, ” Jump on my back monkey and we’ll soon see what’s going to happen to that scheming dog.”

Billy happens to see the cat returning with the monkey on his back, and thinks “Oh boy! I’m in trouble, what shall I do now?”

Quickly thinking, Billy once again sits down with his back to the assailants, and loudly exclaims, “Now, where has that darn monkey got to? I sent him off at least a half an hour ago to fetch me another leopard!”

dog-bicycle-painted-on-road#5. Not This One Anyway

“Hello Bert”, said the neighbour, “I’ve just seen your dog chasing a child on her bike”.
“Oh! No, that couldn’t be my Daisy” said Bert.
“Why do you say that?” said the neighbour, “I could have sworn that it was her”.
“Well”, said Bert, “My Daisy has never ridden a bike!”

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